Suicide Ideation

I know this one real well. Thoughts of hurting yourself, killing yourself, different ways of doing it, usually very dramatic, very -- out there.

What's true is that I would never kill myself. Death is scarier than life. At least life is something. I'm not that sure about death. Nothing, NOTHING, is scarier than nothing.

The thoughts were mainly anger at myself -- for not writing, for not being brave, for making the same mistakes over and over and over again. Being sick of myself for being stupid.

What I've noticed over the last couple of months is that it's getting easier to live with myself. Keeping this blog regularly, writing every day, the poetry -- it helps.

I can see that my writing is getting better, that I am on the path to finding my voice. I don't know yet about my poetry, if it sucks or not. But it kind of doesn't matter. Just the writing of poetry helps. The more I write, the easier I feel.

I know now what other writers talk about when they say they HAVE to write, that they are compelled to. I sit down now every day, even if just for a few minutes, and write. Not forcing myself to write because I think I should, but because it feels so damned good.

The bad thoughts don't come so often anymore. Which is a huge relief. I'm still stupid a lot of the time, but now I feel I might be able to get a handle on it. As long as I write, it's good. I'm going to spend the next fifty years writing. More, if I can manage it.