The Farm

Zen wants to know about our years on The Farm. Hard for me. Not my favorite thing to talk about. Mostly my fault. I was a wimp. If I'd ever stuck up for myself, told someone, anyone, to fuck off, I'd have been better off. I hate that I was such a chickenshit, a doormat, a whiny Mary -- well, you get the idea.

Okay. The thing that sticks out most in my mind about the Farm is Arol telling us that everyone, all humans, are shit. She probably didn't use the word shit, she probably said garbage, something like that. Only children are not shit. All adults can do is accept their shithood and try to make up for it by doing good.

Now I do happen to believe that I am shit. I try to work on it, yes, but I am fully aware of my faults and shortcomings. When I do something stupid, I (almost invariably) am aware of it; if not at the moment, very shortly thereafter, and proceed to beat myself up mercilessly for days.

I do not think, however, that it is productive to drum this into people's heads 24 hours a freaking day. It's lowering. Depressing. And mean.