owning up

To myself, if no one else. The weight keeps me safe, keeps me from having to deal with people on any real level, keeps me home. I don't buy new clothes because "I'll wait until I lose some weight". I don't lose the weight of course, so never buy new clothes, until the ones I'm wearing fall off me. Dumb. I'm going to go to a plus-size resale shop tomorrow and buy one or two outfits and a pair of shoes. That way I've got something to wear now while I'm this size. If/when I lose weight and the new clothes don't fit me anymore, I'll go back and get more. But no more denying I'm a woman, no more denying that I'd like to be attractive, no more pretending that I'm an intellectual who doesn't care about her appearance. I do care, or I wouldn't be so intent on being ignored.

I've left it a little late. I'll be 52 next month. But I know one thing. I'm doing this for myself, so that I can enjoy that part of myself. The girly part. Hah. I know I'm not doing it for guys, because every time one notices me I freak out and avoid him until he gives up.

I lost the job in Vegas because I wouldn't dress up. I know that. Wasn't the tats or my skills. It was my appearance. It happens to me all the time and I need to stop avoiding the truth about it. I'm only hurting myself and I'm done with it. The weight may or may not come off but I'm done with sabotaging myself.