Feelings --- whoa, whoa, whoa -- Feelings!

Mom told me that Harvey has cancer. He must have been hurting for a long time. It's got a good grip on him and it doesn't look like the chemo is helping any. Mom says he's in the hospital now and they're just concentrating on keeping him pain-free.

Truth is I don't care. I'm sorry that he's in pain, that he's hurting and afraid. I just don't care on a personal level. I'm not going to pretend that I do. Not that I don't want him to get well, not that I wouldn't help if I could. But -- the only way it's going to affect me on a personal level is in how it affects Mom. And that's only because it might require me to take action. To go there, which I don't want to do. His death might inconvenience me. Nice, huh?

I've only seen my mother 3-4 times in the last 30 years. For me, no, for anyone, that doesn't tend to foster a close relationship. I tend to think about people, care about them, in terms of how much time I spend with them. I love my sons, I will learn to love Melissa and any children that come. I'll make a point of it.

Proximity. That helps.

If I see someone after a long time, I love them, care about them. But I don't think about them when they're not around. Out of sight, out of mind, that might have been written about me.

Does this make me a bad person? Am I an emotional cripple? Probably. Yes. If I weren't I'd be able to have a relationship with a man. Six months does not a relationship make. Ha ha. I know that I keep making moves toward having that relationship, but then cutting it off because I don't have the slightest idea what I'm doing. I get afraid.

Wait. Is it fear? Yes, fear, disguising itself as a need and a love of isolation. Thing is, I've lived like this for so long, I don't think I can live any other way.

Upshot of the whole Harvey and Mom thing is that I don't want to pretend to have feelings I don't really have. Better to be alone than to have to pretend all the time.