Tonight

I dreamed, again about killing. No, not killing so much as about survival.

I was a female soldier in a platoon where most of the men were killed, I was the only woman alive and the men were looking at me like I was a hot lunch.

One of the men was going to rape me and no one around was going to stop him. In fact, it would have become a free-for-all. I managed to get a weapon, disarm him, injure him, but saw by looking at the men around that it wasn't enough. Mercy to him would merely get me raped and/or killed. I had to show that I had no mercy, no fear.

So I went after the man and killed him. I had to be savage enough so that the rest of them would know I wouldn't stop, wouldn't be a victim.

In the latter part of the dream, that guy shows up again, not quite dead, dragging himself around. I'm eating and say to him, oh, come on, give it up, you're dead. Just die already.

Was that me being callous or the softer side of me saying look, you really didn't kill him. You're still an okay person.

And why am I having these specific dreams? An issue to resolve, a clarification on the mores of killing, or a warning?