awareness

When I spoke with Rob about Zen and Amanda last night, I said something re the fact that I'm not a person to advise on relationships. He said I was being hypercritical of myself but it's not true. It's just that I know myself in that particular area. No relationship with a man has lasted more than six months and most ended badly. I'm just clueless. I don't know if it will change, but I'm not going to stress about it. I'll do what I can, change what I can, grow how I can.

When I say things about myself, things that I regret, Rob thinks that I'm being too critical of myself. It's really not true. If a thing is true, it should be said. It's important to know the true things about yourself. Not owning them brings pain. I've caused more pain to more living things than I can bear remembering. I don't want to do it again, but I have to be on guard constantly. I'm a selfish person and I hurt things. Sometimes unintentionally, sometimes not. I'd like to burn that part of me away. Maybe it can be worn away by attrition. I'm not going to let myself get away with it anymore.